Second Chances: Entry #4

Beginning a life with a child with a life altering disease at age 42 was not what I had in mind with my second pregnancy. Our bonus baby. My sister actually asked me if I was worried about having a baby with a genetic defect because of my advanced age. Not at all! I thought. God wouldn’t allow that. Or should I say do that? I still struggle with understanding that one. How a child made perfect by God could end up with a genetic defect that has such dire consequences. But I had been healed of Fibromyalgia just three short years before this pregnancy, so it gave me the faith, hope and belief I needed to believe the same for my son. My pain was my gift. The suffering I had endured from the fibromyalgia suddenly became worth it all if I could now believe for healing for my son, as well as know how to do the gluten and dairy free diet without too much difficulty, because I had been on it for so many years at this point. So Romans 8:28 is true. He works all things together for the good of those who love him, who are called by His name, according to His purposes. He definitely had a purpose with all my suffering. To help many many others going through the same battle in life. A sick child, a sick mother and a husband off on disability due to sleep apnea. And another child with immune system issues that could not be diagnosed. I feel like I have seen it all but I am not that naive. It could be so much worse. But it did not feel like it.
I have learned if anything is true, it is not a good idea to trust your feelings. Your feelings may be a true perception but a perception is not the truth. Take a look at what the Word says and that is the truth. That is what I needed to believe. But I just could not bring myself to open up my Bible. I knew I needed to all these years, but it is like I was stopped from doing it. How the enemy does that I am not sure, but I think it is because he gets inside our wounded soul and speaks to us in first person. “You don’t want to read that” or “go take care of the children” or “you don’t have enough time for that! look at all you have to do!” I could go on but you get the idea.
So what do you want to find out from reading this blog? What made you click on the link? I believe that you clicking on the link, well, it was not by chance. That you were intended to read it for whatever the path that you are on because He wants to show you there is hope no matter how bleak your situation looks. No. Matter. What.
I promise you the last seven years of my life would make you gasp if I could relay the pain, the torture, the loss and the grief to you. But alongside all that, I believe this book will infuse you with hope, because He can do anything with any situation if we keep looking to Him as best we can, reach out for help, and don’t give up.
Don’t give up, don’t give in and never quit. That is what the Lord said to me through Steve Dulin, a man who had fibromyalgia and shared his testimony of healing at an evening service at our church. The service was called Habitation. I went with hopes of being totally healed every time I went but it did not happen that way. But each time I walked out of the doors of the church I did believe that something was different. You cannot be in the presence of God and not leave changed. You just cannot. You may not feel the change but it is there. I think sometimes His mysterious ways are irritating, but it drew me in to seek Him more and more. Nothing else could have pulled me out of the deep grave I was in because of all the sins committed against my body at a tender young age, and then in turn all the choices I made as a teen, adult and even a parent, not even understanding where my behavior was coming from. Childhood sexual abuse is the worst kind of abuse possible I think. Not that we need to compare, but pain and torture to the genitals messes with your mind like nothing else. It splits apart your personality, and causes pain in you so deep it takes years to unravel. That is with God it can be unraveled. With God all things are possible. I know it. I believe it. And I will believe it for you and with you right now if you are willing to keep on keeping on, in the words of my dear friend Anna Peters. She is a gift from God to me, she met me at the beginning of my long arduous journey and showed me the love of God with skin on. Sometimes we need God to have skin on, so that is why He wants us to be in community already, so when tough times come we are already surrounded by his arms, his hands, his feet and hopefully His voice.
When there seemed like no more hope, I would call her and she would pray over me. She must have spent countless hours on the phone with me over all these years. I cannot thank her enough for being available. That is what she told me early on that she agreed with God to be “available”. Wow. What a gift. I hope you are involved or at least attending if you are able, a bible believing church where God can put you with people who can minister to you, hold your arms up when you need them to, and be there for you when you have lost all hope. He also gave me another faithful prayer partner named Ethel Azariah. She is a sweet sweet soul, who never disbelieves you, will listen to you for hours on end, and she encourages you and rejoices with you no matter what pain levels she is experiencing herself.
When I was a little girl I used to think that dreams and fairytales were true. I dreamed that someday someone would come rescue me out of the household that I knew as my family. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to my brothers or sisters or parents but there was so much going on that was unsupervised, unprotected, and made me vulnerable to men in the community as well. What I didn’t realize was there was a carryover effect from being abused at home which seemingly gave me a target on my forehead that said “abuse me, I will take it. I need love and I’m willing to risk it with you to find some”.
The strange thing is, I never found it but I kept looking for it like a child who looks to abused parents over and over for their identity, hoping to eventually find love that they need so desperately.
Why does this happen? The Bible says that the sins of the father will visit the children to the second, third and fourth generations for those who do not love the Lord. I am the first in the family line for generations to break the curse of childhood sexual abuse. I don’t even think that my parents remember what they did. It was probably done to them as well and people just do what they know. Actually, I believe it is the dark spiritual beings working through people that cause them to abuse children.
So why does God create a universe in which such terrible abuse can happened? That was the question that held me captive from God’s love for years. This part of me or parts of me that questioned His love, His wisdom, and His ability to be trusted. I kept trying to make the relationship flourish with God, but some part of me deep down inside would not trust or move forward. As I write this, I’m still in the struggle, although I have seen Him work miracles in my life. This is how deep the wounds go.
Thankfully He is patient with me to come to Him to get the healing I so desperately need. My soul was ravaged and torn apart for many years, kind of like a rabid cat who won’t come near you, but wants to, but can’t. He just can’t. The fear is so ingrained it takes years to trust anyone, even God who has done miracles in my life.
Writing this book is therapeutic, because even as I write, God speaks to me about His love for me. Love that is so patient there is no human comprehension. Love so deep He cries over what happened to me. My friend Terry says she hates when people working in ministry pray a prayer and ask you to look for God during the abuse and see where He was. Like He was off crying in the corner of the room while you were being raped. I don’t think so. That is not my God. Sin separates us from God. And in households or communities where God is not wanted, not invited in, and not asked to protect, He does not. He has to be true to His word which says He is willing and able but we must ask. The father in the family has a great responsibility to love God, his wife, and protect his children. When he does not love God, all bets are off. The “little g” god of this world is in charge of what happens to this family. Like it or not, that is the way world is set up. When Eve ate the apple in the garden, the perfect world fell apart.
So why am I writing this blog? Because God wants me to tell my story to help rid me of the shame and the darkness that I feel in my heart and in my mind. Shame is so deep I don’t even know its depth nor damage. How does this happen to a little girl? I guess I just answered that question in the paragraphs above, but I still can’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t think I ever will.  To be continued…