“Tell me what you want, what you really, really want!” Those are the words to a song that was made popular back in the 90’s by the Spice Girls, a girl band from England. Well, I’m here to tell you that you can have the healing that your heart desires, but the road may be very, very narrow, and there may be places that you rest along the way as you get your soul to cooperate with your spirit. You see, your spirit, submitted to the Holy Spirit, is supposed to rule over your soul, providing the well-being for your soul which in turn affects the health of your physical body, but sometimes we get this order reversed, and we live in pain. The Lord teaches us how to live by the Spirit, at times an arduous task. It requires giving your will over to Him several times, maybe even hundreds of times each day. Think of all the decisions you make in one day. Imagine how different your life could be if you asked God’s advice, and then listened for his input on every decision. God does want us to live in health, pain-free. The very thing that most of us “really, really want!”
“I only want to do what You do, say what You say,” my heart cried out with these words as I listened to Joel Ague sing them. That was what I really, really wanted, along with freedom from the pain, and I believe Joel Ague’s song started the journey of healing for my deeply wounded soul. I was singing and crying out to the Lord that I wanted to do and speak like Him, but little did I know the process that would then ensue. The refining fire. The burning of the chaff. I often thought, “OH MY GOODNESS.THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME.” Of course, it is meant to. How else can I become more like Jesus, the very thing I cried out for? (Watch what you pray for, LOL.) He takes us up on our offers, and I know He is working it for my good, but this has been the hardest seven years of my life–the pain unending at times, squeezing, pulling, twisting, stabbing, shooting, aching. But God! But God!
I am now free of most of the pain, still working through the sludge, but it has not come cheap or easy. Gluten free, mostly dairy and sugar free, nut free, and spinach free. Coffee and diet soda free, well mostly. Having to give up those foods that my body craved was additional torture. I then added to my life the aggressive use of essential oils, prayer, and trauma counseling to dredge up the past so that it could be confessed and brought to the light, both my own sin and the terrible sins done against me. James 5:16 says to “confess your sins to one another that you may be healed.” “Well, I’ll confess my own sin, but I’m not the one who did the horrible sins against me!!” I have cried out. But those sins still need to be acknowledged, and the lie at the root of the pain needs to be exposed by the light of the Lord Jesus, so that I may get in touch with the parts of my soul that have been split off because of such deep traumatic acts done against me. Only then can I forgive those who have sinned against me and learn to love and have compassion for myself. Yes, you read that right, for myself.
The Word of God says that I must love my neighbor as myself. If I can’t love all parts of me and be completely free of any bitterness or anger caused by trauma done against me and that has been lying deep within me for many years, I will unleash that at some point as I minister. My witness will not be pure, and I will not be able to operate in the Holy Spirit as God intended and as I asked Him to let me do, with and for Him. And for people. I love people. But I am limited, and I need to receive the deep revelation of my limitations that will make me totally dependent on God. In His perfect timing, He is waiting for me to catch up so that I never operate out of the woundedness of my soul when I am trying to minister to His people.
Can you imagine if Jesus had lost it when He was ministering to a hurting person because of some past wounds inflicted by His earthly father? It wouldn’t have gone over well for His ministry then, and it won’t now. Wounded people wound people.